Kung Fu Panda and Fat Joe

I am the proud owner of all the movies that you know and cherish in the movie theatres of America: Kung Fu Panda, Indiana Jones, Sex and the City(purchased for my roommate, but still owned by me, and I hated it), The Incredible Hulk, and the list goes on and on. Yes, the magnificent rumors of the Chinese DVD Express are true. However, the quality is far from top shelf. You see, the most recent movies are as sharp as a beach ball when it comes to color, and sometimes the sound is a little bit off. It is not until the movies come out on "The 9" (examples from my library would be 21 and What Happens in Vegas (surprisingly funny), that they reach the quality of a regular DVD. The lesser quality movies sell for ten RMB, while "The 9" flicks are fifteen RMB, this equates to about a dollar-fifty and two dollars. So being a film critic is one of my new past times.

But eating like I'm General Custer the night before he got served by the Indians is still much higher on the list. I went out with my French friend Luojia and her posse to a makeshift Beni Hana's, which was all you can eat and all you can drink for around twenty dollars US. Man, did they not see this hurricane named Matthew S. Atkinson coming for blood; otherwise, they would have locked the doors on that fateful Thursday night and given the staff a holiday. Always hoping to achieve the greatness that is the most competitive, competitive eaters of the modern era: Kobayashi, Joey Chesnut, Sonya "The Black Widow", Ed "Cookie" Jarvis, and "Crazy" Kevin Lipshwitz http://www.ifoce.com/, I was finally granted my chance for immortality. Ladies and gents, I did not disappoint, making the poor chef run back and forth around the grill for scallops, lamb chops, salmon, and anything else I could think of. My dinner party was comprised of Luojia's friends from Tsinghua University who recently completed their semester study abroad, and were meeting for a very "unique" German fellow named Christian's going away party. I was fortunate enough to sit across from Luojia, and next to her friend Anya who happens to be a member of the Swiss national field hockey team, and probably the most attractive field hockey player that I have ever met. But the stories of her teammate, whose name I cannot remember, destroying birthday cakes at parties like pinatas made me cringe and laugh simultaneously. I always wondered what the inner workings of the women's' field hockey circuit were really like, and it appears that some of these women like to eat more than me, and that is a scary, scary thought, because I like to eat my face off.

I signed a non-disclosure agreement for work, so I can't discuss the business. But I can tell you that my office is hotter than Riverside, California (AKA HELL) on the Fourth of July; that I hear Backstreet Boys music blasting from somewhere outside all day long, and that they serve me room temperature Coke with honey in it that is the most disgusting thing I have ever drank. It is like being lost in the desert with no water, and only a cup of venom to sip from in a grand goblet. I HATE IT! But, I pretend to drink it all day long, and then dump it out when nobody is looking. I went to the cafeteria a few more times this week, as the four Chinese girls have taken me under their wing, and are interested in teaching me Chinese. Or is it that they are interested in laughing at me as I shoot rice, pork fat, and other absurd items around the table as I fumble around with my chopsticks? I am just flat-out awful at using chop-sticks, and believe me there is not a fork in site. I can't even snap my fingers (sad but true), so chopsticks are probably not the best weapon of cutlery for myself. But you give me a fork and knife and I am ready for war, it's like giving a soldier a bazooka and putting him in a fox hole right before the enemy is coming. But with my chopsticks, all I have is a sling-shot.

As I type this magnificent blog, I'm still shaking out the cobwebs from last night. I went out to "Mix" (which is right next to "Vics"), with my friends Justin, Victoria, and about twenty other people that I am now full-fledged acquaintances with. In Beijing, stuff starts late, so we arrived at twelve, and left around three-ish. Actually, I don't know if Victoria left, she still may be at the club. A highlight/low-light of the night, was that we bumped into this Chinese-American guy who is as big as a walrus, and wore a mammoth-sized blinged-out chain that said NYC. After Victoria asked the biggie if he was a famous gangster, she asked me what rapper he reminded me of. Without a second of recourse I popped out "Fat Joe", and proceeded to hum one of his songs. He was maybe a foot away from me (I feel not so good about this one, and really need to keep my big trap shut sometimes), and "Fat Joe" almost definitely heard us as we cackled with delight. I also vaguely remember shooting the breeze with Justin and some Chinese guy who kept telling us how in love he was with this one girl, and if I remember correctly it wasn't thirty minutes later that this vixen was shacking up in the bathroom with somebody else, who she was more than likely having "sexual relations" with. This place is a great spot, to just kick back and shoot the breeze with your friends, as all kinds of shenanigans happen in every direction. It's like I'm sitting in the front row of a Lakers vs. Suns game as Kobe and Shaq fight it out (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5VHDVLySNQ). Furthermore, the city is completely safe, so after the madness ends all I have to do is walk right out flash up my hand, holler out a "YO TAXI!" (which the driver of course does not understand, but I still do it anyways), and withing minutes I am home sweet home.

Well, I am off to play basketball against my co-workers in a company game. I know they say that it's good to let your boss win and stuff, BUT NOT IN MY BOOK! I am so fired up right now. I am going to just serve these guys like a bad piece of fried chicken at Shakey's (not KFC, because their chicken is grizzled gold). I played hoops yesterday, and ran the court, and today will be no different. I still need a basketball nickname, and any requests, no matter how outlandish, will be considered.
still keepin' it real,
in China,
Matt
p.s. As a pre-game snack I will, of course, be visiting my good friend "Colonel Sanders".