The Worst Dressed City in the World

I apologize whole-heartedly for the delay between my previous blog, and the one that you are reading now. But I had a rough couple of weeks. I got the good olde "Beijing Flu" which was bound to happen. This was quite a few weeks back, and after nursing myself back to health with Chinese honey-syrup that tastes quite miserable, I got a call from the French Connection announcing a last night for two of them in Beijing. After fighting with the idea for almost half-a-second I was soon knee deep in Korean liquor and BBQ at some all-you-can-eat joint, with a group of ten others who were ready to throw down. This would just be the appetizer, as the main course was a night out in Houhai (please remember that I had been violently ill for four days, so you could say this was not a great idea). Houhai is this incredibly beautiful area where lit-up lanterns light scenic bars & restaurants, and they form a circle around a lovely algae-green lake. Well the lake is not so beautiful, but the lantern effect really made me feel like I was in a Karate Kid movie, because I was feeling guapo loco again and had made a temporary full recovery. Soon after the bars closed the idea of staying up until 4:00 AM to watch the flag-raising at Tianeman Square sounded like the greatest idea ever, so I took off with three French Girls to some famous street that I can barely remember.



Soon afterwards we were dining on chicken skewers and Tsingtau's at some shady locals-only joint that I have had nightmares about ever since. As I gobbled up chicken like Joey Chestnut, two HOOKERS strolled in, and what a dubious duo they were. One looked like she wouldn't place better than dead last on any beauty pageant held in the entire Solar System over the last ten years, and she was easily the more attractive of the gruesome twosome. Because the other had the most hairy armpits I have ever seen, man or woman. She could go toe-to-toe with Chewbacca, and it would be a close call. I would probably bet on her if a gun was to my head. Anyways, the ravenous hookers ordered an ENTIRE FISH on a flaming grill, and that poor fish really must have had some bad karma. Death by the jaws of two hungry hookers should be one of those devices that you see when you go to a medieval torture chamber. It's gotta be equally bad to the stretch rack. Not to mention that being burnt alive (the fish was actually dead, but I am just pondering what could have been) while being manhandled by a pair of thirsty hookers is just retched. LOL.



I didn't make it to the flag-raising that night. Close though. I also didn't make it to work the next day. Or the day after that. For a full week I was as sick as I have been since my junior year of college when I lived in a fraternity house. Coughing fits at all hours, a sore throat so bad I couldn't eat anything but soup, painful headaches, these were harsh times my friends. The only thing that got me through it was my trusted t.v. that played 1980's classics all week long. I have to say that "Escape from New York", "Fast Times at Ridgemont High", and "Demolition Man" were easily the three high notes of my week. But I eventually pulled through it, and after finally getting back up to par, it was now time to catch up on two full weeks of work. ARGH!!! This has been my life ever since.



So, as one can imagine, I have been grouchier than Oscar after getting his trash can kicked by a gang of gypsy children. The rose-colored glasses that I was previously looking through are not so bright anymore. I haven't seen Captain Eo in weeks, and I have no choice now but to rant about a few things that suck about Beijing. These points are not meant to ruffle any feathers, I really like Beijing overall, and it is my home. But I must get this off my chest now.....apologies go out to any Chinese friends of mine who do not like what I have to say.

1. Beijing is the worst-dressed city in the world. The meterosexual Beijing man is a breed of species that should be outlawed by the Fashion Police ASAP. A frizzled blond shag cut, with a shirt that says something like "Versace Collection Limited" in extra-short, wearing a pair of skin-tight jeans that might as well be spandex, and walking with a cockier stride than Terrell Owens after catching a touchdown pass, this is the bane of my existence. And he is everywhere! One of them stole my taxi the other day, and I was not impressed... Also, there is no originality to the clothing here, you know why, because this city is not Beijing when it comes to clothing. It is Des Moines, Iowa circa 1999! The shirts are so bright I have to shield my eyes, and say things like: "Touch Me, Feel Me, Love Me", "Party-Time", and "Who Let The Dogs Out" (unfortunately, these are all real shirts that I have been forced to see). It is uncanny! The ratio of English writing to Mandarin writing on a shirt for the demographic of 14-35 is easily 95%. I just don't get it. I will be spending quite a bit of time documenting this species next week, and will have photos on this blog to prove my findings to the scientific community.


2. Beijing is the most dangerous city for a pedestrian that I have ever been in. If you are walking down a street the taxis will cut right in front of you whether you are a starving orphan or an elderly grandmother. And I am literally talking about being a foot or less away you while traveling at high speeds, and not giving a damn if they smash right into you. The double-right lane is ridiculous, as is the fact that I have to risk my life every time I go down the crosswalk.


3. Taxis here are crazy. I was driving down the freeway in a taxi the other day and it overheated. We were almost hit by a bus. My driver acted like it was another day at the office. After dodging a bullet I thought he would call it a day. Nope! We rode on, it overheated again. He just got out in the middle of traffic and doused water and a cold rag on the engine. I turned tale and ran like the wind. If I see him walking down the crosswalk it will not be my lucky day.


4. Buying size eleven shoes here is like going X-Mas shopping for Shaq at a store designed only for jockeys. I just don't get it.


5. The music here is easily two years back. It's like the only CD that anybody has is the Top-40 Hit List for 2006. I understand that there are certain places that this is not true. But you go to a mall, the supermarket, or turn on the radio, and hell hath no fury like Soulja Boy on repeat for six weeks, unless we are talking about being eaten alive by two horrible hookers.

Well that's all for now folks. I feel a lot better. I am going out tonight with Victoria, Fat Joe, and this crazy party posse for "Jason's Going Away Party". You might ask yourself who is Jason? Well in a few days you will know just who he is. As I have a hilarious clip of him acting the fool that should be one of Youtube's Greatest Hits very, very soon.

over and out,

Matthew S. Atkinson

Pics from the Imperial Palace Garden... PEACE!!!

"THE BIG PAYBACK 2" PICS

"THE BIG PAYBACK"

After getting served more times than a churro at Disneyland last week, I finally got some some sweet redemption and good times to put me back in a Beijing State of Mind. On Thursday night I met my French friend Miss Julie Metral and two of her fellow female Frenchies at a restaurant called "The Green T House". It was one of those uber-modern restaurants where all the entrees have wacky names, like "Sunset on a Deserted Island", and other sayings that are generally reserved for the mouths of men who unbutton their shirts three buttons down and love trance music. The food was fantastic, as my favorite entree involved a sliced apple topped with walnuts, goat cheese, and honey mustard, with a goldfish in an over-sized bowl of course, in the middle of the platter. I was about to dare one of the Frenchies to do it for a free meal, but when I saw the look in her eyes likes a Great White Shark gunning for a pregnant seal, I quickly changed the subject. But it was a good time, funny jokes, mostly aimed at a battle between France vs. America, and a taxi ride home where the driver had his head so close to the window I thought it might be super-glued to his forehead.

After completing my work-week it was finally time to celebrate the fabulous Fourth of July in Beijing. Let's just say Beijing doesn't really raise the roof for America's Day of Independence, as I literally had forgotten that it was the Fourth until three P.M. that day. There were no fireworks, or scandalous Newport Beach parties on 43rd Street, but as always my fantastic watering hole "Vics" (the Real Cancun of Beijing) was open for business. My friend Victoria once again proved to be the ultimate "Trojan Horse": for Justin, myself, and two other "dudes". Victoria once again got the hookup on the tables, shot across all boundaries into the secret lair of "ballers" and what-not, and after the entire party posse gave her hugs and complimented her on her attire, we jumped into the mix like a troll under a bridge and crashed their table before they could say "Uncle Sam". Victoria rules: she is always one of the five best looking girls in the club, is invited to every private party and restricted table, and has no shame letting my friends and I invade more territories than a game of Risk. Unfortunately for "Queen Vic" this was not her night, as she got a little too rambunctiously intoxicated and ended up straddling more small Asian men than Michael Jackson's greatest fantasy. We had the greatest pics ever to showcase her night to not remember, but they were taken on her camera, and the chance of us seeing these pics is the same as "Screech" being voted "Man of the Year". But it was a great night, looking back I still have an ear-to-ear grin. This would also be the last night I would tangle with my partner in crime Justin, who is on a plane destined for Michigan at this exact time.

On Saturday I woke up and got a text inviting me to the very basketball game that I had gotten served at, the week previous. All afternoon I tangled with the idea of whether or not to play ball, and as I was at the local mall looking for pics of Chinese couples wearing matching outfits (no look yet guys but I will continue my big game hunt until I leave this country), the song "The Big Payback" by James Brown blasted in my headphones.

"Hey! Gotta gotta pay back!! (The big payback)Revenge!! I'm mad (the big payback)Got to get back! Need some get back!! Pay Back! (the big payback)That's it!! Payback!!! Revenge!!!I'm mad!!" It was my calling to lace up the sneaks, throw on the old Alpha Tau Omega shirt from SC, and come back for blood. Fortunately for me, this week there were no pro's, I mean there were probably not even anybody that played more competitively than junior-varsity basketball, and a few guys that had only a borderline understanding of the game. I took these guys to the cleaners, and it was the single most dominating performance of my life. I ran the point, picked my own team ( a completely unfair one of course), and we ran games from the beginning to the end. As a side note, a girlfriend of one of the guys used my digital camera to take lots of pics of the game, and I will posting these pics sometime tomorrow, in a blog entitled "The Big Payback 2" (because one payback is just not enough).

After the game the entire Chinese basketball brotherhood asked me to come out to dinner with them, and since I have decided the best way to experience this culture is to always say yes to these kinds of offers (especially when food is involved), in a moment's notice I was in the back of an Audi on the way to some Chinese restaurant located right off of campus at Tsinghua. One of the guys, who is a little uncomfortably fond of me, explained that we would be playing a simple card game with dinner. Fantastic I thought, this is just like home: maybe some "21" , "Spades", "Hearts", I mean just wanted to keep stacking (for the record I am the world's worst shuffler of cards, and I constantly pass the buck to somebody else by saying I have a jammed finger or some other fake injury). Well it turns out this was no game I was familiar with, as the simple explanation turned into a lengthy discussion of the various aspects of the game. There is a judge, a cop, a president, a killer, and at various times in the game everybody would close there eyes and point to who they thought the killer was and scream. Oh, they were also playing the game in the dialect of Mandarin. LOL. Needless to say I sat this one out and kept my mind on my food, and my food on my mind. All you can eat, all you can drink, $35 RMB (a little over five dollars), and the food was fantastic, you gotta love it! I will also have pics of the feast as well.

I headed home after hanging out for a bit, called it a night, and prepared for Sunday. This time it was a funday, because I got to see UFC 86 (QUENTIN "RAMPAGE" JACKSON GOT ROBBED); I took a walk down my area and familiarized myself with my surroundings like I was mapping the Alaskan Forest in the movie "Into the Wild"; and got to end my day with the Nadal vs. Federer Wimbledon finale. You have no idea how many unsuccessful attempts I have made to get an English Sports Illustrated, there is a magazine shack on every corner, and every time Sports Illustrated is the first magazine I see, and it is in Mandarin!!! I have learned how to ask for an English magazine, and have yet to find anything that I would remotely enjoy reading.

I hope everyone had a Happy 4th of July back home. I really miss the holiday but I can't complain. China once again is treating me well, and I even have some skills with the chopsticks now.

Happy Late 4th of July U.S.A.,
Uncle Matt

Getting Served, Returning Serve, & Getting Served Again

So for some reason I just keep getting served. Except for one moment the last four days have been just like this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2W1eb7ekpkg
FYI- you may have to copy and paste the link rather than just clicking on it, maybe not.

So after getting served on Saturday I woke up in pain on Sunday, like was mentioned, but there was one caveat. I was supposed to go for a walk in the park with the pretty Filipino singer from the Westin, that I had dinner with the previous evening. I called and texted her a few times but she did not answer. Thinking that she was probably having phone issues I strolled over to the near-by Westin, and thought she would be waiting for me in the lobby. Well, she was in the lobby, with the prettiest man I have ever seen in my entire life. He made Marc Anthony look like a rough-faced red-head from Idaho, it was pretty stern. But I kept my ego in check, and before she noticed I was there, I strolled off. I had other plans with another woman for dinner so there was no broken heart or shed tears. Not to mention a party after dinner with Luojia and her friends, at a domicile called the "Lucky 808 Flat".

My Mandarin professor connected me with her former classmate from Tsinghua, who is about my age, and is single and lives in the city. So all was not lost yet........yet. At Six P.M. the dynamo known as Christine showed up at my locale, hailed a taxi, and exclaimed to me that we were going out for some "authentic" Chinese food. I was pretty excited, and had already forgot about my serving from the songstress during the afternoon. I have no idea what part out of town we were in, but I am lost every day already as is(I can't even instruct my taxi driver where to drive, I just hand him a card and hope for the best), and this was way more lost than I had been so far during my misadventures. We arrived in some sort of a time warp in a place she referred to as "Old China".

We drank rice wine out of wood goblets; the waiters and waitresses wore traditional Chinese dress; and the whole experience felt like I was living in the movie "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon"........and then the food came. Fish head, weird noodles that looked like pythons, other things that I just flat-out can't describe, I was no longer looking forward to the experience: but I am a good guest and will never turn down a meal, and dove in like I was trying to win fifty G's on "Fear Factor". Now it wasn't that the food was bad, because I can't really tell you what it tasted like. Since it was so spicy that water shed from my forehead like I had just finished diving the Great Barrier Reef. My face became so red and irritated that I had thoughts of jumping into the fountain, or pulling the fire alarm so I had an excuse to depart. After our meal, I was still just about DOA, and in the taxi ride home I just kept telling myself that I would be home soon; unfortunately, the taxi took like a full hour to get home. It was just an awful day. My dinner-date did understand and I will see her again at a restaurant of my choosing, I only wish Colonel Sanders had an equally expensive meal choice (she paid), The Colonel never would have let me down.

Instead of attending the party full of peeps who are on their way out of Beijing ( the party was entitled "Bye Bye Beijing"), I decided it was best to follow the words of Kenny Rogers "The Gambler": "you gotta know when to hold em', know when to fold em', know when to walk away, know when to RUN." I decided to cash in my poker chips, plunge into my bed, and flip on the t.v., and watch 50 Cent's critically-acclaimed masterpiece "Get Rich or Die Trying". He may lay the smack down on me if he ever reads this, but 50 you are the worst actor on the planet, and if there is alien life form, the galaxy as well... The Screen Actors Guild would be forced to give Nas an Oscar, if they were to compare his nauseating performance in "Belly", to your two-hour long melancholy diatribe of hustling in "Get Rich or Die Trying". Sunday was no funday, not indeed.

I have been working pretty hard the last few days, and got a bunch of accolades for helping the company redefine its American business model, but I was still grouchy on Tuesday and was looking for a little return of serve. Now, I am going to show you the real email between a future Pepperdine MBA Student (where I currently attend my second year of Grad School), and myself. All of the students have a cumulative Google Group where questions like: where should I live, what class should I take, PC or Mac, and other general scholastic topics are represented. But one man really broke free of the curve, as if you were dissecting quantitative analysis and noticed the most outlandish outlier ever... an I just had to serve him. Not only that, but I sent my serve to over three-hundred students and other faculty & Admin's (it will be only a matter of time before I get the "this is unacceptable behavior email/speech", but like I said I needed redemption.

HERE IT IS: I swear to you all it is 100% accurate.

DAVID

"Hey everyone! its been a few days since i posted. I'll introduce myself again, My name is David Whitten and I'll be a first time student for the MS/MBA track for global business. I recently signed a lease at the Malibu Canyon apartments and I'm very excited about starting the school year,fortunately or unfortunately, i have an upstairs unit and hiring a moving company is quite costly. I was wondering if any two gentlemen would be interested in helping me out to move the heavier items upstairs. It's not a lot, but it certainly takes more than me. Now the important part...the incentive. Unfortunately I cannot offer winning lottery numbers but a pizza and beer dinner on me might be close! ill be moving on the 16th of July from San Diego, I'll have a U-Haul truck, my own pickup truck and money for dinner. Any takers?"
Thank you thank you David

MY RESPONSE:

That is so sweet! I would give you a hand but I live in Beijing, China. I think you are going to have to up your offer to Arnie Morton's Steakhouse and a bottle of fine wine if we are talking Malibu prices. LOL. Also, I would like to nominate Srini for Google Group Participant of The Year. You are a legend my friend. I tip my cap to you. Sorry, for being a little less than serious. But I am currently in an uncomfortable cubicle, where I intern at a company in Beijing, China that opens its fourth-floor windows rather than utilizing the modern invention of air-conditioning. Furthermore, there is a clothing store not too far away that plays the same five songs in a row non-stop... ALL DAY LONG.
Britney Spears "Hit Me Baby One More Time"
Backstreet Boys "Back Tonight"
And three others that I despise so much I dare not even speak their names.
From the Orient,Matt
P.S. David, I just don't know what to say. I mean asking a friend to move some couches is painful enough, but GOOGLE GROUPS!!!!Priceless.... I just want you to know that I sent this email to everyone I have ever met in my life.
P.S.S. If you speak any Spanish, I recommend going to a local Home Depot and hiring two workers. Make sure to negotiate the price beforehand.

So this morning I immediately felt sick: headache, sore throat, sinus stuff, I knew that I was being punished for my Google Group Guapo Loco Blast. I also got hit with a case of buyer's remorse now that David will probably view me as some sort of arch-nemesis A LA "The Count Of Monte Christo". I probably should have just sent it to him individually, yeah I definitely should have...No bueno! But I went to work as normal, and pretended to put on a happy face. Everyone is incredibly happy with me, and like always I was taken to lunch at the medieval cafeteria, and given my Mandarin lessons. After munching on the swine of swine and other filth, the prettiest of the women at my work produced a lime-green Frisbee, and motioned for the courtyard area where we could toss it around. Even though I was feeling as healthy as Keith Richard's lungs, I managed to muster the energy to toss it around a little bit. Being the dumb American that I can be from time-to-time, I took this casual game of Frisbee way too serious and ran down every toss no matter how far off target. I made a grab that brought back memories of Big Mike Williams one-hander in the Coliseum, jumping in the air, BUT when I came down I landed directly on the foot of the same attractive woman who brought the Frisbee to begin with. She was not impressed! Not even a little. But I decided to suck it up, and keep playing, and not five minutes later I ran directly into a lamp post. That sucked too.

My leg is feeling just awful. My head hurts. I don't know what else to say. I just keep getting served. Well, ladies and gents I am gonna take it easy for a few and then try to bring it back to my older days in this mercurial city. My bro Justin is out on Monday, my friend Julie Metral finally arrives in the city, and Fat Joe will no doubt be in attendance.

in two days,
I'll be,
"Making It Rain!"
until then,
ATKINSON