The Worst Dressed City in the World

I apologize whole-heartedly for the delay between my previous blog, and the one that you are reading now. But I had a rough couple of weeks. I got the good olde "Beijing Flu" which was bound to happen. This was quite a few weeks back, and after nursing myself back to health with Chinese honey-syrup that tastes quite miserable, I got a call from the French Connection announcing a last night for two of them in Beijing. After fighting with the idea for almost half-a-second I was soon knee deep in Korean liquor and BBQ at some all-you-can-eat joint, with a group of ten others who were ready to throw down. This would just be the appetizer, as the main course was a night out in Houhai (please remember that I had been violently ill for four days, so you could say this was not a great idea). Houhai is this incredibly beautiful area where lit-up lanterns light scenic bars & restaurants, and they form a circle around a lovely algae-green lake. Well the lake is not so beautiful, but the lantern effect really made me feel like I was in a Karate Kid movie, because I was feeling guapo loco again and had made a temporary full recovery. Soon after the bars closed the idea of staying up until 4:00 AM to watch the flag-raising at Tianeman Square sounded like the greatest idea ever, so I took off with three French Girls to some famous street that I can barely remember.



Soon afterwards we were dining on chicken skewers and Tsingtau's at some shady locals-only joint that I have had nightmares about ever since. As I gobbled up chicken like Joey Chestnut, two HOOKERS strolled in, and what a dubious duo they were. One looked like she wouldn't place better than dead last on any beauty pageant held in the entire Solar System over the last ten years, and she was easily the more attractive of the gruesome twosome. Because the other had the most hairy armpits I have ever seen, man or woman. She could go toe-to-toe with Chewbacca, and it would be a close call. I would probably bet on her if a gun was to my head. Anyways, the ravenous hookers ordered an ENTIRE FISH on a flaming grill, and that poor fish really must have had some bad karma. Death by the jaws of two hungry hookers should be one of those devices that you see when you go to a medieval torture chamber. It's gotta be equally bad to the stretch rack. Not to mention that being burnt alive (the fish was actually dead, but I am just pondering what could have been) while being manhandled by a pair of thirsty hookers is just retched. LOL.



I didn't make it to the flag-raising that night. Close though. I also didn't make it to work the next day. Or the day after that. For a full week I was as sick as I have been since my junior year of college when I lived in a fraternity house. Coughing fits at all hours, a sore throat so bad I couldn't eat anything but soup, painful headaches, these were harsh times my friends. The only thing that got me through it was my trusted t.v. that played 1980's classics all week long. I have to say that "Escape from New York", "Fast Times at Ridgemont High", and "Demolition Man" were easily the three high notes of my week. But I eventually pulled through it, and after finally getting back up to par, it was now time to catch up on two full weeks of work. ARGH!!! This has been my life ever since.



So, as one can imagine, I have been grouchier than Oscar after getting his trash can kicked by a gang of gypsy children. The rose-colored glasses that I was previously looking through are not so bright anymore. I haven't seen Captain Eo in weeks, and I have no choice now but to rant about a few things that suck about Beijing. These points are not meant to ruffle any feathers, I really like Beijing overall, and it is my home. But I must get this off my chest now.....apologies go out to any Chinese friends of mine who do not like what I have to say.

1. Beijing is the worst-dressed city in the world. The meterosexual Beijing man is a breed of species that should be outlawed by the Fashion Police ASAP. A frizzled blond shag cut, with a shirt that says something like "Versace Collection Limited" in extra-short, wearing a pair of skin-tight jeans that might as well be spandex, and walking with a cockier stride than Terrell Owens after catching a touchdown pass, this is the bane of my existence. And he is everywhere! One of them stole my taxi the other day, and I was not impressed... Also, there is no originality to the clothing here, you know why, because this city is not Beijing when it comes to clothing. It is Des Moines, Iowa circa 1999! The shirts are so bright I have to shield my eyes, and say things like: "Touch Me, Feel Me, Love Me", "Party-Time", and "Who Let The Dogs Out" (unfortunately, these are all real shirts that I have been forced to see). It is uncanny! The ratio of English writing to Mandarin writing on a shirt for the demographic of 14-35 is easily 95%. I just don't get it. I will be spending quite a bit of time documenting this species next week, and will have photos on this blog to prove my findings to the scientific community.


2. Beijing is the most dangerous city for a pedestrian that I have ever been in. If you are walking down a street the taxis will cut right in front of you whether you are a starving orphan or an elderly grandmother. And I am literally talking about being a foot or less away you while traveling at high speeds, and not giving a damn if they smash right into you. The double-right lane is ridiculous, as is the fact that I have to risk my life every time I go down the crosswalk.


3. Taxis here are crazy. I was driving down the freeway in a taxi the other day and it overheated. We were almost hit by a bus. My driver acted like it was another day at the office. After dodging a bullet I thought he would call it a day. Nope! We rode on, it overheated again. He just got out in the middle of traffic and doused water and a cold rag on the engine. I turned tale and ran like the wind. If I see him walking down the crosswalk it will not be my lucky day.


4. Buying size eleven shoes here is like going X-Mas shopping for Shaq at a store designed only for jockeys. I just don't get it.


5. The music here is easily two years back. It's like the only CD that anybody has is the Top-40 Hit List for 2006. I understand that there are certain places that this is not true. But you go to a mall, the supermarket, or turn on the radio, and hell hath no fury like Soulja Boy on repeat for six weeks, unless we are talking about being eaten alive by two horrible hookers.

Well that's all for now folks. I feel a lot better. I am going out tonight with Victoria, Fat Joe, and this crazy party posse for "Jason's Going Away Party". You might ask yourself who is Jason? Well in a few days you will know just who he is. As I have a hilarious clip of him acting the fool that should be one of Youtube's Greatest Hits very, very soon.

over and out,

Matthew S. Atkinson