Piano Wars

To the proud few that are still reading this blog... I salute you. I need to be saluted right now as I am in not of the best of moods"

I am currently writing this blog with the most annoying sounds ever heard by man pulsating through my eardrums. This is because my mysterious neighbors (I don't know know them because they are actually in a different building but we share a common wall) play what sounds like a grand piano all day and most of the night...and they play it horribly. Horribly would actually be compliment for the nauseating "ping-ping-ping-ping-pinging" which is always ringing into my never-peaceful domicile. What makes this situation ten times worse is that the common wall is next to my desk where I spend most of my time at; and the common wall happens to be about as thick as a piece of sandpaper. For the 18 months that I have lived in my apartment the piano-playing of my neighbors has not improved one iota. Their repertoire consists of three songs which are played again...................and again............and again.............and they are never played correctly. When old man river who I believe to be the man of the house is feeling frisky he will do some singing while somebody else does the playing.

Initially I thought that they were running some sort of a piano-playing school so I was able to understand why their piano-playing was so incredibly irritating. However, I am able to hear their voices as well, and if there were any sort of coaching/teaching I would hear it. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that it is likely just this old couple trying to teach themselves how to play the piano; and that other family members take tries on their own at the piano death trap. Maybe they are blind? Or maybe they are running a social experiment to see how long it takes me to completely snap, and that the walls are actually see-through glass with a team of scientists watching my ever move? If that is the case...well they are close to the point of no return.

I have no idea how many people live in this apartment but my best guess would be five. Grandparents, parents, and one child; but I could be wrong. Most definitely there is an old man and a woman, and the old man's voice is the loudest and most obnoxious. You see the universities in China used to have a deal where the teachers were given housing if they taught for the university for a certain number of years; this was especially common during the 1970's after "The Cultural Revolution" when Mao Zedong had inspired the children to beat the crap out of their teachers and get rid of all the 'capitalist roaders' in society. What he really wanted the children to do was to help him retake power and get rid of all of his adversaries, which Mao was able to accomplish by using propaganda and destroying all education, religious artifacts, historical monuments, and anything of high value that had been an important part of the former society... all so he could become supreme leader again and continue to make poor decisions for the good of nobody. It's crazy to see Mao's face all over China these days when if you really know the history of things he was a bloodthirsty tyrant who is responsible for the greatest mass-starvation in the modern era and indirectly caused 50 million Chinese deaths...but that is another story. Chinese history books have literally omitted the time periods of 1959-1961 (Great Starvation) & 1966-1976 (Cultural Revolution); or shifted blame to others when it was really almost completely Mao's fault...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cultural_Revolution

Anyways, during the 1970's it was hard to recruit teachers because they had previously been used as human pinatas by their students. Furthermore, many of these students (called "Red Guards" at the time) went on to prominent roles in government and were never punished; I can't imagine this sits well with the families of former teachers who were beaten, tortured, and executed for trying to teach Math Class. Therefore, the universities needed a humongous carrot to encourage teachers to go to universities like the one that I teach at is; so they decided that all teachers would be given free housing; furthermore, the teacher's were promised retirement payments which are similar to American pensions except you only receive money when you retire but don't have to put any money in...yes, it's a very good deal. Nowadays, there is an implicit understanding that teachers who are hired will have their jobs for a lifetime, and that they will be given free retirement money. Unfortunately, the housing has all been given out and it is utterly ridiculous to me because you have these red-brick buildings that are at least forty years olding all over the campus that take up way too much room and look atrocious.

Nowadays, with real estate prices at historical highs in China these retired teachers are permanent fixtures in all of the best Chinese universities. The different universities have tried to get them to relocated but with their friends on campus that they have literally known for fifty year, the teachers have have made it crystal clear that they aren't going anywhere. When they have tried the teachers have revolted, and they have taken over all of the best territories at the different universities and act like they own the school...which is annoying but understandable. I guess if you go through famines, revolutions, and other shenanigans you should certainly feel as if you are entitled to a good slice of life...and they take it!

Additionally, there are lots of really good schools around my neighborhood so it is common for the grandparents to have their children and even their grandchildren come live with them. These are not big apartments by the way: bedroom, living room, miniature bathroom, small kitchen, and an even smaller dining room; and all of the apartments are the same. In my building and the surrounding buildings almost every other apartment is occupied by at the very least five Chinese people (it's a good thing that they are so short). It is quite common to see parents pushing their parents in wheelchairs with the grandchild lurking around in the background peeing in public; in China children under the age of seven are given carte blanche to go the bathroom in public whether it be #1 or #2...it is terribly disgusting! I can't tell you how many times I have been walking to class and I have seen a Chinese father holding a piece of cardboard under his five year-old son who is dropping a deuce in public...stern! Oh and of course the Dad applauds after the son performs his miraculous feat; as if the son has scored a three-point shot in basketball.

So I try to spend as little time in my apartment as possible because I fear that I will "snap" one of these days; and on average every three months I come very close. I try to take my laptop and Kindle to different coffee shops so that I can get away from my neighbor's painful piano of doom; nevertheless, with Chinese weather being downright awful I sometimes get stuck at my desk with a ton of work to do. When the full moon is out this can create one of two possible outcomes: #1, a basketball toss at the wall from three-pointer to slam-dunk depending on my anger; #2, a medicine ball smash. Today, it was a #1 & #2 day! Now this is not something I am proud of as I try my best not to get caught into these situations in China. The olde Thadeus Claymore (my former self) would have been smashing the wall on a regular basis. Nevertheless, I am trying to get along with my Chinese brothers even though they annoy the hell out of me, but sometimes I just can't...

After today's wall smash my neighbors are acting like a bee hive that was kicked in by a professional futbol player. At first they were shocked, as if there was an earthquake or a bomb had exploded. Secondly, screams shouted and I heard lots of moving around like maybe they thought that the wall was coming down, and they were frantic to see who was injured. Finally, the screamings of anti-foreigner slang (I guess they have figured out that I am not a comrade) followed suit with olde man river acting like he was going to charge thru my front wall with a Chinese battalion and pick up where the Korean War left off.

As I type this my episode has been unfolding and olde man river is really yelling and cursing. He is probably two-feet tall and can't walk, but his voice is starting to scare me a little bit. It sounds like one of those old-school Kung Fu movies where the Mr. Miagi ragged olde man beats the shit out of the upstart punk. I wish I had an air horn right now or something that could really tilt the balance of power in my favor. But alas, I have no heavy artillery with which to take my warfare to the next level. Anyways, I'm gonna get the F%^& out of dodge for a bit and grab a coffee. I'll update my story next time I am on here unless the enemy gets to me first.

from the war room,

General Custer

P.S. I have continued my extraordinary tradition of giving my students ridiculous names, so far I have added these names to my list of extraordinary gentlemen/gentlewomen of China: Wombat, Alf, Grouse, Lars, Bettina, Xavier, Caesar the VI.