Not So Harsh Times: Volume I

Ni hao:


I know, I know I promised more harsh times in the previous volume, but that statement was made before theOlympics had begun, and I just don't feel harsh anymore. Even the events that made me so maniacal are now kindof dulled down. I will say that the ticket company that I bought my Olympic tix from, has me on their Number#1 Most Hated Customer of All-Time List. It's like I am part of the America's Most Wanted, which is almost a compliment but not really. After a long day of work in miserable weather I took an hour-long taxi journey to the house of tickets, but there was one minor snafuu that was made. I forgot to bring a useless piece of paper confirming my identity, of course to the ticket folk this paper might as well be the Holy Grail. They thought I would just leave when they told me to come back another day, but I had the power of Uncle Sam on my shoulders and I was not going down without a fight. After arguing back and forth about how useless the useless paper was (I mean I had a passport, driver's license, my health insurance card, university card, etc., all matching my notorious Cheshire Cat smile) I threw a temper tantrum that even the cast and crew of the fabulous MTV Show " My Super Sweet Sixteen" would have found to be a little outlandish. After battling with a woman who easily could have lined up at defensive tackle for the Green Bay Packers for a good ten minutes, as on-lookers stared through the glass like they were watching a Kimbo Slice street fight, I finally KO'd the would be blocker with the power of slowing down there operation to the point that an old British woman was madder than I was. My opponent finally threw in the towel, and went and got my tickets into the Mecca of tickets that they possessed downstairs. However, she did bring Brian Boitano's long-lost twin with who was more well-dressed than a Penguin at the Academy Awards to chew me out. This guy was too well-groomed to be working at a ticket office, and he might as well have been Jeff Foxworthy's character in Office Space minus the mustache with double the flaire. Boitano hit me with a two-minuted nosebleed of a speech that made me want to fight back and triple-axle him right in the noggin, and to make matters worse he made me personally apologize to the defensive tackle as viewers gave me the "you dirty rat" look. It was just awful. I almost didn't do it, but I sucked up my pride and said I'm sorry to the bothersome blocker. Then I took my tickets, and was on my merry way like Johnny Appleseed.

So let's see, the Olympics just kick some serious a#$!!! I am very impressed with the job that China has done with the Olympics, and aside from the worst snack line ever (you don't want to know what a Chinese hot dog looks like), I have had no problem: getting to events; getting into events; and even sneaking into better seats (hypothetically) at these events. I purchased an elaborate cornucopia of excellent tickets that have made my life the Utopia that Karl Marx dreamed of, and I have seen: men's and women's handball, boxing, basketball (USA vs. Greece), track twice (the Bird's Nest is hands down the most unbelievable stadium that I have been in), and women's weightlifting (I would not want to meet some of these women in a dark alley). Additionally, my sister and her boyfriend were in town all of last week, so I had company at every single one of these matches. I am going to go through all of these sports one-by-one, and give you give you the Mr. Hollywood take on the respected sports.

Men's handball: Pretty cool. Much more action packed than I would have imagined, and watching China and Spain go head to head was a nice David vs. Goliath duel, but this time Goliath smashed David, like Sloth vs. The Fratellis in "Goonies". Great crowd support, and the Chinese fans are pretty amazing. They cheer the whole game. Like in the States where we say "USA! USa! Usa! usa!"etc., the Chinese have a motor that never runs out of gas. The best part is, they only have one cheer "Jia Yo Jung Guo!" Which essentially means let's go China. They just love this cheer. Can't get enough of it. Even when the Chinese team was down by ten goals, the cheer was non-stop.

Women's handball: The most underrated sport of all time. I seriously love this sport more than words can describe. I could write ten blogs without stop on why women's handball is so incredibly fantastic. Leggy euro vixens in tight outfits with menacing looks whizzing Nerf-Sized balls at breathtaking speeds in a battle royale that never stops. It's like if somebody took the Powerball event from "American Gladiators", and mixed it with an equal helping of Dodgeball, and then put the competitors in an indoor soccer arena. Needless to say, I have purchased tickets for the ladies quarterfinals and final. My favorite part of the whole event isn't even the game itself. At halftime they play eardrum-numbing pop music as a group of cheerleaders dressed as cowgirls, dance in unison with the five Olympic mascots who are dressed in outfits so fuzzy and childish that they could easily pass for Care-Bears. I cannot stop gawking, laughing, and well I guess that would be it.

Boxing: A huge letdown. The point-scoring system of boxing in the Olympics has little correlation with winning the bout and inflicting the most damage on the opponent. It is more of a ballroom dance, where competitors hit their combatant with a decent but not harmful shot, and then get out of the way. The crowds are great though, and the Eastern Bloc is a force to be reckoned with. I was at boxing a few days ago and Kazachistan went toe-to-toe with Russia twice. The Kazachs (I have no idea if they call themselves that) were ousted in the first fight, but in fight two their savior triumphed and took a little sting out of the punch that Sacha Baren Cohen hit them with in the movie "Borat". The joy on their faces was almost as memorable, as the width and texture of their mustaches. Go get em'Kazachistan !!!

Basketball: OK the USA Team is just fantastic. But Evander Hollyfield stole the show. During the third period the game announcer declared that, "former champion Evander Hollyfield is in the building." Within the time it takes to light a match, every single Chinese person in the building: took their cameras out with deftness of Billy The Kid; found their target like a marine sniper in heavy combat; and shot Evander square in the face with heavy-flashed pictures in perfect harmony. I have never felt bad for the former champ, I mean he is THE FORMER CHAMP. But for once, I was happy that I was not Evander. I was only sitting eight rows away, but I had to stand up to watch the game, as every person in his section blasted him with annoying camera flashes. I thought the novelty effect would wear off after a few minutes but the massacre went on for the entire third period. During the break one chipmunk-faced Chinese goofball wearing a visor that had one of the mascots on it, stormed through the velvet rope that protected the former champ and jumped into the seat right next to Evander. The Chinese Chipmunk then put his arm around Evander and peppered him with shots of the two of them together arm in arm (like junior-high girls do in those cheesey photo booths at the mall) until Evander's friend pulled the chipmunk off of the former champ. You might ask yourself, what was security doing at this time? Well, they were taking pictures of Evander as well. LOL It was so bad that Evander had to leave a few minutes into the fourth quarter. Down goes Hollyfield! Down goes Hollyfield!

Track: Ok, the "Bird's Nest" is breath-taking. I am no Brad Pitt, physically or mentally, and do not have the knowledge of where architecture is going in the 21st century. ButI can clearly state that the designer of the Bird's Nest, Ai Weiwei, is a flat-out genius. It is almost difficult to watch the events, because looking at the stadium is so hard not to do. I would like to say that women who compete in the Heptathlon could easily fill a Victoria's Secret lingerie catalog. I make fun of my former roomie Roland who hails from Switzerland as often as I can for fielding an Olympic squad that seems to be neutral, but Linda Zublin is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Unfortunately, like most Swiss athletes she finished closed to dead last, but she did it with beauty and grace. Also, Steeplechase is a horrible sport, I hate it. Oh, and I'm sure everyone already knows this, but Jamaica is what USA Track used to be back in the Carl Lewis era.

Women's Weightlifting: Now this was a sight to behold. It is was pretty entertaining, but only to see who comes in second. The winner, Lei Cao from China, didn't even start her first lift until the other competitors finished their last. The way the sport works, is you get three total lifts and can pick and choose whatever amount you want. You secure a lift you know you can do first, and then raise the stakes afterwards. There are two events, "The Snatch" & "The Clean and Grab", and the total from the max of both is summed up for your score. China has been kicking some serious tail at this event, and have been breaking world records and Olympic records all over the place, like a crippled Wino in an antique store. I have to say that it is fishier than a school of mackerel that the Chinese are not only beating BUT OBLITERATING all of the records in the sport. I'm just saying...

So all in all, this last week has been one of the greatest of my life. I anticipate the coming week to be even better. I hate to rub it in, but I was enduring sweltering humidity and weather so bad there were times I wondered if I would be happier in New Jersey, while most of you were chilling out in the sun with tan shoulders and flip-flops. So, drum-roll please.... I will be attending Women's Handball Quarters & Finals, Women's Soccer Final, Track on Friday night with a ton of dope events, Boxing Final, and even the Semifinals of Women's Field Hockey. I will be mackin' and stackin' my friends.

Reppin' Uncle Sam in the Orient,

The Hollywood Express