Ten of the Worst Things that I have done in China

Dear people who are currently not working for the Chinese government,

Please notice how I did not say the ten worst things I have done in China as I will undoubtedly forget a plethora of painful memories and unfortunate events that have transpired in my 2+ years in China. Also, this is in no way a countdown of worst to best or vice-versa, as I have no idea which of my past misdeeds is worse than the other. Anyways, drumroll of embarrassment please....

1. This Summer while teaching a Business course I convinced my Chinese Monitor to let me read the teacher evaluations. Then after I read the evaluations I changed the participation grades of the students according to how they rated me as a teacher. I am not proud of this, but it just kinda happened and nobody was seriously hurt that I know of.

2. In each class I have a monitor who functions as an organizer and helper for minor functions of my job. Nevertheless, I have changed the job title of each monitor from monitor to secretary, to secretary/oper, and now it borders on like something similar to a maid or servant. I always pick a monitor who is a girl, generally sex-deprived and somewhat infatuated with myself and use this to my advantage. Believe me, I am no Brad Pitt or Leo DiCaprio; however, since I am the youngest teacher at the university by far and dress to impress and seem to be in a position of power the girls are generally quite impressed with me. I have my monitors: setup my computer and get my PPT ready; pickup my dry cleaning; deal with customs if I have things that are shipped, fill out applications for me; and all kinds of other stuff.

3. I have hypothetically violated the teacher-student relationship a couple of times. Both times the students were "former students" of mine, but I am pretty sure the Chinese government would not be happy about it. Furthermore, both times I have ended things by simply not returning phone calls/text messages while pretending that I am working 16 hours a day and other nonsense. This is all hypothetical or course, but in reality I just don't see myself dating Chinese women due to cultural/grooming differences. I am getting too old for this kind of nonsense, but I just refuse to grow up.

4. I have a running turf battle with two rent-a-cops who work outside of my gym. All they have to do is open this gate for me to get into the gym, and well I hate waiting for anything. On one particular day, my friend Kevin Rosenberg's fantasy football team beat my squad on the last game of the week with the little-known Dez Bryant scoring two garbage-time touchdowns to beat my beloved team...I was livid all day...I could barely go ten minutes without reliving the game in the back of my head. When I finally got to the gym I had to wait for at least two minutes for this nimrod rent-a-cop to push a button a few feet away from himself to open up the gate. When he finally pushed the buzzer I purposely shoved the gate so hard that the hinge nearly broke, and it came within inches of hitting his buddy in the head. Afterwards, rent-a-cop Number #1 started yelling at me, and instead of apologizing I put my finger in his face and well...I hypothetically may have called his mother a whore after he insulted me a few times. Eventually, the dust settled and the rent-a-cops backed down sensing that I was seriously about to deck one of them. Nevertheless, every time I go to the gym now I have these rent-a-cops purposely taking forever to open up the gate while cursing at me under their breath.

5. A few weeks ago, I was at this super-shady bar called "The Den" where all these Mongolian whores congregate in the AM. I was stone-cold sober as it was 8AM and I was there to watch the World Series, and the Mongols where uber-wasted. I noticed out of the corner of my eye this huge fight that was about to transpire, but since I did not want to catch VD or get Mongol blood on me I did nothing. Then I watched Mongolian hooker #1 smash a bottle over Mongolian hooker #2's face. I felt horrible for not doing anything and could not sleep well for a week.

6. Last year I had a student who had obviously just crawled out of bed and ran to class as his hair was sticking up in every direction possible. After I caught him text messaging I decided to make an example out of him by cracking jokes about his haircut to the entire class. He was quite embarrassed, here is the email he wrote me back.

Dear teacher:

In China, you should not make fun of others body-organs,
especially hair.This is a very impolite behavior,not humor.
Every Tuesday ,we have to get up early,and reach the classroom in a hurry.So I had forgotten the hair yesterday.
Every day we slept late,because there are too many books to read.
I know you are good-natured joke,so I'm not angry at all.I just want to remind you:do not bother similar mistakes again.
You are a very good teacher,I've learned a lot from you.
Thank you!

Yours,
Mike

7. I caught a student sleeping in one of my classes and I made him stand up and show off his fingernails that were easily a centimeter long. Then I asked the students if these fingernails were sexy, and if they could be used as a lethal weapon. Everyone else in the class laughed besides the Wolverine (my nickname for him).

8. If students show up late to class I make them sing songs of my choosing. Examples are: "Destiny's Child" songs, "Michael Jackson" songs, or my personal favorite "Happy Birthday" (it is always my birthday of course).

9. At least once a week when I go to a restaurant I ask for "xiong mao rou" which is panda meat. When the people at the restaurant ask me about this I tell them that we eat it all the time in the United States, and that it is extremely delicious.

10. Whenever I give students any type of examination I put a picture up of a panda with an AK-47 that says something like: "If you cheat on this test then this panda will surely kill you". I also tell them that if I catch them cheating they will be kicked out of the class (which I am pretty sure that I do not have the right to do).

it would be appreciated if you did not forward this email to the Chinese government.

yours truly,

pandakinson

P.S. I am good out here 99% of this time, and these are some rare exceptions. I do take work very seriously and hope that the people that read this blog do not think that I act like this all of the time :)