So I roll into this bar and the Monday Night Football Arizona Cardinals vs. San Francisco 49ers game is on. I was in euphoria as I pulled up a chair next to a couple of rowdy Americans and ordered a Guinness. These guys were like ten years older than me, but seemed like stand-up dudes at the time... I guess looks can be deceiving. If I could of I would have kick both of them in the shins as hard as I can, but since I am borderline crippled I am relegated to fighting off mosquitoes and aardvarks on my best days. After shooting the breeze with these two degenerates for a bit, I had the more annoying of the dubious duo put his hand on my shoulder and offer me these wise words of wisdom that were supposed to be inspiring: "Matt, it's all about hookers. There is no city where whores are cheaper than here. This place is paradise." What a sack of s%$& this toolbox was, and it just got worse from there. As I watched the football game (I have not seen pro football since the Super Bowl) with the intensity of one of those hyper-kinetic bathroom attendant guys that it seems has a life goal of handing out as many paper towels as humanly possible. FYI-If I'm taking a leak the last thing I want to deal with is some guy trying to wipe me down or spray cologne on my neck.
Back to the game, it was amazing. It was like watching football for the first time, and then all of the sudden the guy who I had previously believed was mute on the far-left says, "OH! STARS TIME!!!" And this nimrod flips the script to MFing Poker. "Poker Stars". I would have said something but I am a gimp, so I ended up cracking jokes with this unshaven American who plopped into the seat to the right of me. After shooting the breeze for a bit he asked if I wanted to go to a jazz bar with a sultry Chinese songstress. I was down like James Brown without a frown and hopped into a taxi, and was sipping a gin and tonic with his crew in a bit. Dude was a piece of a work though. I am no Adonis, but he was telling me how he had too many women to control and he might have to move out of the city because of it. This guy also looked like Kevin Love (the next Mark Madsen) after eating eating a sea-lion, so I gotta say he was full of B.S.
http://blog.oregonlive.com/highschool/2007/11/Kevin-love.jpg
The bar was awesome and the singer really was sultry. It was crazy to see such a petite lovely Chinese girl belt out tunes that rocked the house. Unfortunately, my new comrades were about as cool as having Willow as your wing-man at a bap mitzvah.
http://www.cinemablend.com/moviereviews/images/willow/willow1.jpg
The next day I had my flight cancelled and was stuck playing PSP at the airport for a few hours (which was so incredibly awesome). I forgot to mention that in the Kong I bought this new contraption on a whim, and now we are the closest of friends. I eventually did get a flight and soon later I was off to Shanghai.
I met up with an alum named Eric (who is the Hugh Hefner of the Orient) and he selected only the most intimate of settings for our meet and greet...HOOTERS! This guy is a cool cat and speaks fluent Chinese and our table was breaking it down like Michael Jackon pre "Black or White". In fact my new fabulous Facebook photo recalls this marvelous time. I'm sure recruiters will be very impressed.... I really could care less because every time I see that picture it will put a smile on my face. We had the "Miss Hooters China" hanging out with us, and got many pics on Eric's gynormous camera that even made me look good (not an easy job my brethren). After flirting with well-endowed Hooters waitresses it was soon time to change gears once again and meet and greet Daniel, a pledge bro from ATO at USC from way back in the day.
Daniel, is a man, a myth, and a legend into himself. Have barely talked to him in the last five years and the next thing I know we are at a KTV doing big things like my favorite bar in Hollywood "Big Wings". WARNING: If you are under eighteen years old (AKA Cousin Lauren, Cousin Maribelle) stop reading this now and go eat your vegetables...
A KTV is a place filled with borderline prostitutes who line up in a row of say fifteen and you pay them to hang out with you. They also play lots of Karaoke and you drink only whiskey. I am proud to say that up until a few days ago this was my first experience at such a place, but what a crazy place! I was a little intimidated by these thirsty incredibly-hot Chinese women dressed up like they were getting married, and each vixen gave me a look of both pure love & admiration (I hate the way that money works sometimes). I didn't know how/who to pick so I just opened it up to a pseudo-debate and asked if any of these thirsty-ass broads spoke English. Out of the lineup only one raised her hand, and soon later this sexy blue-dressed Chinese sensation was feeding me watermelon slices and playing dice games against me. She was actually cool. Good sense of humor; knew hot to roll dice; even got my KFC jokes. Too bad she was a whore, or something of the sort. So the night continued with us drinking our faces off and everybody but me singing karaoke. I sing about as well as Mike Ditka singing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAXTbPCcGNM
Nailed the QMBA Fair the next day, and met a couple lovely ladies from Germany (their cards are in my stolen bag?!?!). The best part of the fair, besides flirting with Chinese metrosexuals, is that there are an incredible amount of sexy women who work for the other schools. Which makes perfect sense. Would you rather talk to my goofy ass or a beautiful woman with pigtails. Option #2 is certainly my favorite and is a major reason why these fairs are littered with Aphrodite look-alikes. Since almost all of the other men look like they are pregnant or are trying out for sumo wrestling lessons, some of these beautiful women actually come up and talk to me. More than a few actually, which really says something about my male counterparts at the fairs (keep eating donuts my friends!). These two women were from Mannheim University and one reminded me much of my Thai-food loving German friend Bianca who is the coolest girl that I know. We closed down the bar, and afterwards I came home and watched "Coming to America".
I hired a personal tour guide to trek me around the city on the following day, and we "rolled deep" as the previously mentioned Washburn used to state like a creed. Shanghai is beautiful and we went from site to site in a hurry to do all and see all. For some reason I got stuck on panda jokes, and everywhere we went I demanded to see a panda. When they did not have a panda medallion at the "Jade Factory" I threatened to leave. My tour guide was the best. If anybody goes to Shanghai shoot me an email and I will connect you with her. She didn't even welsh on a bet like I thought she would (and I probably would have). We did rocks, papers, scissors, and the loser had to catch a Koi fish with his/her bare hands. Well, I didn't think she would really do it, but she did kindof. She raised to about half-mast and pissed-off everybody in our vicinity. It was so incredibly awesome and I tipped her an extra 200 RMB for this type of extra-special service. There was a lot of other fun stuff too, but I am sure you guys are bored by now and are just waiting for a sign-off so here you go.
Prost,
KFC Killa
(I kill chicken at KFC like the Colonel must have killed it with the ladies)
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