Hong Kong, Guangzhou, Shanhai Diaries: Volume Uno

First off apologies for not posting any pictures of the shenanigans from my misadventures in the above-mentioned cities. Nevertheless, I am unable to do many things as my backpack was stolen last night complete with: cell phone, digital camera, reading glasses, my only Sports Illustrated, paperwork that I NEED, and other necessary items. I have been told since I came to Beijing to always keep your eye on your bag, and last night I took my eyes off of the prize and now I'm backpack-less; unable to make phone calls; I have difficulty reading; and if I do read something it will unfortunately not be about NFL Football. Meanwhile, some Chinese metrosexual thief could be snapping pics of his party posse on my prized picture-taking device.

Anyways, after getting my knee sliced and diced in the Orient six weeks ago I feel like I can handle just about anything. Well maybe not anything, as I do not think I could win an Oreo-cookie eating contest versus Rosie O'Donnell. But still, this is difficult but by no means catastrophic and I'll figure out all this nonsense sometime soon. So now let's talk about the times spent in the cities of: The Kong, Guangzhou (a city filled with pimps and drug-dealers), and the Shanghai. These are mostly more fond memories than the backpack jacking that I got served with last night.

I am the representative for Pepperdine out here in China for the QMBA Fair as prospective Chinese students go to these fairs in different cities to learn more about various MBA programs. It is hands down the easiest job in the world. All I do is wear an expensive suit, smile, and give folks a sales pitch that is eerily reminiscent of Alec Baldwin's character in "Glenn Gary Glen Ross" minus the brass balls pitch. And for some reason I am really good at it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-AXTx4PcKI

Anyways tour stop one was Hong Kong. What an incredible city. Beautiful buildings, beaches, great shopping, it is clean, pretty women, I mean this place is just fantastic. Except for one half-hour at the QMBA Fair where I was accosted by the strangest geriatric Chinese man on the planet. The Chinese assassin interrupted my conversation with actual students by asking me about my feelings of varying Chinese proverbs and all kinds of nonsense. This guy sucks. I mean he was relentless, I even went to go get a coffee hoping I would vanquish my foe by waiting him out but he was still at my booth with a Cheshire Cat smile on his face. Other than that the fair went well, and that night I hit up the bar street and had a blast. I bumped into a couple jovial American rugby players and then met a couple of sassy girls who were game to hang out and listen to my horrible repertoire of bad jokes and self-promotion. We mingled with a gang of Chinese women dressing up in sexy pirate outfits for a Bachelorette Party. Lots of other fun times, and woke up the next day feeling like a million bucks. I lounged around THE KONG on Sunday: with a USC Alumni event in the morning, which was incredibly lame as my Trojans played with the ferocity of an autistic manatee; then I went up to "The Peak" where you get a bird's eye look at paradise; then shopped and actually bought some stuff for a change (I would like to note that my first purchase in THE KONG was a KFC Wall Hanger with the Colonel looking glorious); and saw as much as you possibly can in one day.

The next day I was off to the so-called "City of Gold" Guangzhou. In reality this place should be entitled the city of pewter or frankincense. After the MBA Fair was over, which I dazzled like Brian Boitano in a leotard, I decided to venture out to this mystical city that I knew nothing about. In thirty minutes of walking I was offered: marijuana, ecstasy, women, men, and anything else you can think of. I mean they probably had some hermaphrodites as well, if that was your thing. The "African Mafia" rules the streets out there, and they are borderline ruthless. Nobody told me this until after my trip...thanks guys! After my crippled ass was accosted for like the thirtieth time I just finally snapped and told this pimped-out drug dealer, to "get the f*&% out of my face!" Not smart. Not at all. The next thing I know this 50-Cent protege had gathered a gang of street thugs and soon after they were rumbling straight for me. I would have run, but I can't. I can barely walk. As the wannabe rappers inched closer to me, I was given a gift from the Gods as a taxi came straight from heaven to pick me up. I was going to ask him to take me home, but then I remembered a bar that was referred to me by a friend where they play NFL Football, and pulled the trigger on the move to this mecca of brews and pigskins.

Volume Uno Complete,

Colonel Sanders Jr.